Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
