I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Drunk is a universal language darling
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
