mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Drunk is not a location!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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