Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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