I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
