Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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