Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
