i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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