mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
