I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
