She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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