so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My ATM looks so different sober.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
