I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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