I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I stole a fireplace last night.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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