I didn't shave. On purpose
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
