I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Randomize
