They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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