So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Tornado booty call.. dedication
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
