I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
