guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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