These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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