It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
