so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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