saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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