do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Randomize
