is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
