I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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