Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
