I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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