I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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