So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
