I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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