What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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