when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
