Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize