Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
