Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
