What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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