God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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