I can tuck mytits in my pants
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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