Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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