The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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