I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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