i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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