im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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