We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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