break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
