god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize