Need sex. Gaining weight.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
they're like a gay fantastic four
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
