I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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