I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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