Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
