you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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