so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
