I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
3pm strippers are depressing
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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