Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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