HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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