Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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