Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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