I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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