He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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