Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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