all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
