Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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