The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I wish you could order shots online.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
