I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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